The holidays present many wonderful opportunities to bond with family, but this time of year can also present significant stress, particularly when family conflict arises. Some conflict can come from having to decide which relatives to see if any.
When faced with one or more difficult family members, you have several choices on how to deal with it… you can react and engage in dysfunction, you can cut them off and ignore them completely, or you can make the best of it and cope through it. The last option is the best way to maintain a healthy relationship on your terms.
Tips for Handling Family Conflict and Stress During the Holidays
When you don’t cope with a difficult family member, you may find yourself in a never-ending cycle of conflict. You may find yourself investing a lot of time into “fixing” them or educating them on things like empathy or boundaries. Being called out or gaslighted into being seen as “the problem one”, simply because you refuse to tolerate being mistreated and disrespected. You feel like you can’t win…if you don’t stand up for yourself, they win… and if you do, you’re the problem so they still win! No one needs to win, in reality. But you can’t help that you feel unheard and like you are in a dysfunctional situation, where everyone seems comfortable and well… in denial!
Here are some ways to divide up your time over the holidays and handle conflicts and holiday stress that may arise.
Take Turns With Relatives
If you and your spouse both want to celebrate with your families of origin, if you’re dealing with a divorce situation where not everybody wants to celebrate together or if you just have a lot of family, it can be stressful deciding who to see, and when. Taking turns is an easy solution. If you see one group in November, see the other in December, or alternate years. Then you can eventually see everybody.
Host Celebrations at Your House
If the stress of traveling each year is more than you’d like to handle, you may want to have family over to your home for the holidays. This is also a good solution when you have too many groups or relatives to take turns seeing: invite everyone to celebrate together, and you will get to see everyone more often.
Be Prepared for Some Conflict
If you usually have conflict when you get together with your family, it’s a good idea to be prepared for it. I’m not suggesting that you go looking for trouble, but rather, approach the situation with a sense of realism. If your mother always criticizes your appearance or your brother always makes rude jokes, don’t expect them to change their habits; just aim to have a sense of humor about it and remind yourself what you love about them.
Just Say No to It All
If seeing family causes you great amounts of stress each year, it’s okay to say no sometimes. Celebrating with just your partner or kids can be a wonderful alternative to seeing people who make you feel consistently stressed.
Surround Yourself With Friends
Many a happy holiday has been formed by groups of people who have decided to celebrate with friends instead of family. Whether you’re unable to travel (or have family who is), or for some other reason find yourself without kin, celebrating with other people you know who are also without family for the day can be a great way to bond with friends and enjoy the spirit of the season.
Avoid “fixing” Your Difficult Family Member
Let go of the need to be right (even if you truly are right) and avoid changing their minds. Many times, people who are stuck in a certain mindset, have deep beliefs, whether positive or negative… Sometimes difficult family members also will try to “bait” you and may try to evoke a reaction from you.
Do not take power plays or controlling behavior lightly, set boundaries. Protect your energy from anyone who may be intentionally trying to hurt you or instill guilt in you, manipulate you or gaslight you. Speak up with an assertive voice using “I-statements” and know that next year you have a choice who to spend your time with, especially if your limits are not respected.
Coping with a difficult family member over the holidays can be difficult… but it can be managed.
