Can you start dating while still going through the divorce, or is there a certain amount of time you should wait? How do you know you’re ready to move on?
Like all major life changes, going through a divorce can be a very stressful time. No matter how long you were married, the act of parting from the person in life you may have been closest to can be jarring, hard, and heartbreaking. Hopefully, you went through the process assured that it was the right move, asked yourself all the necessary questions beforehand, and talked to your kids thoroughly about it.
Chances are, once the heavy emotions from the divorce have lightened, you may be interested in dating again. And chances also are, that’s something you haven’t done in quite a while! You might be at a loss on where to begin.
Things To Consider Before Remarrying After Divorce
Thinking about dipping your toes in the dating pool? Before you start dating after divorce, the most important thing is that you’re confident in your readiness to do so. Here are a few important questions to ask yourself to make sure it’s the right time for you to begin this new adventure.
Have You Grieved and Processed?
There is no one right way to go through a divorce, but for everyone, it’s necessary to take time to work through the end of the relationship. Perhaps you’ve gone to therapy, attended online support groups for divorcing people, or just spent a lot of time working through it yourself.
Dating should begin after you’ve invested this time in recovering, not before. That’s because waiting to date until you have thoroughly grieved and processed your divorce is the only way to be open and available to someone new.
How Settled Are You About Your Divorce?
Because having grieved and processed your divorce before dating will yield better results once you do, it’s also good to be past any extreme emotions around it.
You may not want to start dating if you are separated but may get back together soon, or if you are still hoping to reconcile with your ex. Dating will work best if you are comfortable with the fact that your marriage has ended. If you aren’t there yet, that’s OK. However, it would help to wait until you are before you begin dating.
Are You Clear About What You’re Looking For?
You’re older than when you last were seeking a partner, so undoubtedly, much has changed about what you want in one. To date successfully, you should have a solid idea about what you are looking for. Before you begin dating, you should feel secure in knowing:
- Your red flags and deal-breakers for future partners
- Qualities you prefer in others
- Methods and styles of communication you do and don’t jive with
- Whether or not you’re OK with someone who is currently raising children
- An updated version of your type, factoring in your current age
- Whether you want a serious relationship or not
- How you feel about dating someone who is dating other people
Do The Inner Work
Relationship counselor Margaret Paul, Ph.D., says it’s imperative you identify where the marriage went wrong. As you begin to feel ready to date again, it’s still important to prioritize your own needs and growth. “The most important thing regarding dating either during or after a divorce,” Paul says, “is to be doing your own inner work to fully understand your participation in the relationship system that led to a failed relationship.”
Whether with someone else or just yourself, reflection about what you’ve been through, the divorce, and where you’re at now will help you gain clarity. Reflect with trusted, nonjudgmental friends, a coach or therapist, and/or through regular journaling, Muñoz suggests. “Work through the emotions that belong to your past relationship.”
Consider Seeing A Therapist
A divorce is no small deal, and if you feel you could use a hand, it’s so important to lean on your support system. You may benefit from seeing a licensed therapist, coach, or counselor. When emotions get overwhelming, or you’re wrestling with questions about what went wrong, being able to talk it out and gain some unbiased perspective is helpful.
Learn To Value Yourself
As you begin meeting new people, perhaps going on dates, Paul notes you should be your own first priority. “Learn to value yourself enough so that when you date, you are not coming from a fear of rejection,” she says. “You need to be interviewing your date rather than worried about how your date feels about you. If you are not yet valuing yourself enough to do this, then it’s not time to date.”
Be Patient
Some people are able to jump right into new relationships after a divorce, while others will take a long while before they’re able to feel emotions that strong again. Don’t doubt the potential of a slow burn. Lust and passion can feel intoxicating, but real connections take time. Don’t feel discouraged if it takes a good handful of dates to start feeling spark and attraction toward a new romantic interest in your life.
Can You Find True Love After Divorce?
Now, perhaps you’ve gotten this far and are seconding-guessing even the thought of meeting someone new. Is it really possible to find love after a divorce?
Short answer? Yes! But it takes work (like any relationship).
