All couples fight. It’s completely natural, and comes with the territory of being in a relationship. But when you find yourself bickering more than usual, it’s natural to wonder, “How much fighting is too much?” and “Are we totally screwed?”
Before you freak out and think your relationship is doomed because you had two fights last week, know this: it’s normal to have arguments and disagreements with your partner, says Joseph Cilona, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist in New York City. “There is no one correct formula when it comes to frequency of conflict, and there is no one correct way to navigate conflict that’s right for all couples,” he says.
In certain cases, these differences can lead to squabbles in the relationship. And while it is hardly ever enjoyable to spend possible cuddle time hashing out an argument, these fights may sometimes be a key element in strengthening the bond you and your partner share.
How to Fight In a Relationship
It’s almost a given that a fight will erupt at some point in a relationship—this is bound to happen when you live or spend considerable time with another person. The good news is that getting angry with your partner is perfectly normal and perfectly healthy—that is, when handled correctly.
When you feel that first temper flare in disagreement with something your partner did or said, breathe and take a step back. Instead, try out the following tips to have a peaceful squabble with your significant other.
Pause…Before You Blurt Out Something Hurtful.
When you’re in the heat of the moment and feeling emotional, it’s tough to think before you open your mouth. But taking a pause before you launch into a complaint will allow you to frame your grievance more effectively.
A few simple seconds gives you enough time to step back from squabbles and think: “How can I say this so my partner will hear it?” This quick, mental timeout will help you help you choose a kinder and calmer way to approach the situation, and make you more likely to be heard as a result.
Speak In “I” Rather Than “you” Phrases.
Saying “I’m hurt” or “I feel really angry” instead of “You screwed up!” will lead to a more productive dialogue because it takes your partner off of the defensive.
“If you lead with accusation or blame, they won’t hear what you want them to hear. They’re going to feel at fault and you won’t get through,” says Meg Batterson, a couples psychotherapist based in New York.
Speaking in terms of how you feel and offering potential solutions to try together, rather than blaming your partner completely, will remind you that you’re in a partnership and need to work together to have a stronger relationship.
Avoid Character Assaults.
Unfortunately, arguments can often devolve into personal attacks (think name-calling, criticizing the core of who someone is or how they look)—and that is definitely not healthy for your relationship. If you’re name-calling, you’ve probably gone too far.
Instead, Focus On The Actual Issue.
If you’re constantly rehashing old arguments, fighting about the same things over and over with no resolution or compromise, or feeling upset about the fact that you’re fighting all the time, that can become problematic.
John Gottman, world-renowned psychologist and relationship expert, says that one of the predictors of divorce occurs when a person consistently attacks her partner’s character rather than isolating the specific issues that are upsetting.
So, instead of saying, “Of course you didn’t do the dishes again. You’re lazy!”—which will either put your partner on the defense or make him retreat or resent you—try isolating the specific complaint or issue you have. You can say something instead like, “I feel frustrated when I come home to a sink full of dirty dishes. Can we set up a schedule for our chores so this doesn’t happen again?”
Listen More And Talk Less.
When we’re arguing, there’s a tendency to talk more than to listen. We’re so eager to get our feelings out, we may not even hear what our loved one is trying to express.
Batterson says that the person who has an issue is the one that needs to be listened to. She suggests that instead of immediately defending yourself, just listen and let your partner know that you heard them.
This approach is effective because it not only shows that you were listening, but that you understand what your partner was saying or where they were coming from. You’re more likely to have a more productive dialogue instead of a full blowout argument when you just listen.
Change What You Say—And How You Say It.
The reality is that most of us recycle arguments and can almost exactly predict how our partner is going to respond, as if the discussion has been scripted.
If you want to fight better, change what you say—and how you say it. Batterson agrees, “It’s a good thing for people to recognize their ‘dialogue demons’ so they can re-frame the argument, label it, and approach it differently. Instead of pointing the finger at the other person, they can ask themselves how they’re contributing to the argument and try a new approach.” The important piece is that you frame your argument with respect and kindness so that you give your loved one a chance to respond in kind.
Resist The Urge To Avoid The Argument.
A lot of couples might keep it to themselves when they’re mad at each other because they’re scared of starting potentially relationship-threatening arguments. But a recent study found that avoiding these conversations is actually more likely to harm a relationship than help it.
The survey asked 935 people in committed relationships about how they handled conflict and how fulfilling and promising their partnerships were. The results were striking: People who talked through conflicts were 10 times more likely to be happy with their relationships. As for the people who stayed silent, those who blamed their partners for the lack of communication were more likely to be unhappy.
“Those thinking about raising sensitive issues with a loved one should weigh the possible risks of speaking up against the certain risks of not speaking up,” said Joseph Grenny, the bestselling author and social scientist who conducted the study. “If you don’t talk out problems, you tend to act them out — and as a result, problems not only persist, they actually get worse. The biggest mistake is to fool yourself into thinking that *not *talking about concerns reduces the risk of problems—it doesn’t.”
Put Yourself In Your Partner’s Shoes.
Another key tip for addressing relationship issues effectively? Put yourself in your partner’s shoes by brainstorming reasons why a sensible person might behave the way they did. It will help you better understand their actions.
Don’t Threaten To Leave Your Significant Other.
It’s easy to let your emotions get the best of you, but try as hard as you can not to threaten to break up or get divorced. Regardless of whether you mean it, those words can leave a lasting impact on the person who hears them, and cause them to feel insecure in the relationship long after the fight is over.
Never Resort To Physical Or Emotional Abuse.
If a fight with your partner has ever made you feel physically, emotionally, or psychologically unsafe, that’s a major red flag, according to the experts. Couples fighting is healthy only as long as it stays fair and safe.
If you find that you’re arguing a lot, it’s bothering you, and the two of you can’t seem to get it right, it may be time to see a professional for help. “Often a clean pair of eyes can help you see where your communication patterns are going wrong,” Durvasula says. And if you feel like things have crossed a line, talk to a family therapist, couples counselor, or someone you trust ASAP. “If even one member of a couple has feelings of upset, dissatisfaction, discomfort, fear, or any other significant negative feelings related to the nature, frequency, or intensity of the conflict itself, it’s something that should be addressed,”
Benefits of Fighting in a Relationship
When done correctly, fighting can be a learning experience for partners to help improve the relationship. Here’s how.
Fighting Is a Sign That You Both Care About Your Relationship
Fighting is an easy way to determine if your partner is still in it for the long haul with you. A problem-free way to go about life is to roll with the punches and avoid drama.
Partners who are willing to go through the uncomfortable strain of disagreements—especially those using kind and clear communication—are still invested in the success of their relationship.
It Strengthens Your Relationship
When partners fight within an environment that allows clear expression, free of cruel words—this can help strengthen their bond.
With both partners actively participating to resolve the disagreement, there’s comfort in knowing that conflicts can be maturely and warmly handled without risking the relationship’s future.
With this, partners can freely bring up disappointments and unhappiness without leaving room for time and resentment. Ultimately, this can help to strengthen the relationship and improve its odds of lasting.
You Learn More About Your Partner
Somewhere in the process of listing out your grievances and offering your partner clarifications in uncertain areas—the both of you learn new things about each other.
It may be communication methods, such as their voice going lower when they are particularly hurt. It could be knowing that certain practices, like cuddling before bed, are non-negotiable for their happiness. Other times, it may simply be learning about their hopes and fears for the relationship.
