Many people grow up with fears around abandonment. Some are plagued by these fears pretty consistently throughout their lives. They worry they’ll be rejected by peers, partners, schools, companies, or entire social circles. For many others, these fears aren’t fully realized until they enter into a romantic relationship. Things will be going along smoothly, and all of a sudden, they feel inundated with insecurity and dread that their partner will distance themselves, ignore, or leave them.
Where does fear of abandonment comes from?. Everyone experiences this fear at different levels. Most of us can relate to having heightened anxiety over thoughts of rejection. We may be set off by anything from an aloof first date to a longtime partner seeming distracted and unavailable. In extreme cases, people may struggle with “autophobia,” an overwhelming fear of being alone or isolated, in which they perceive themselves as being ignored, or uncared for even when they’re with another person. They may also experience a fear of abandonment phobia, which is characterized by extreme dependency on others, and is commonly seen among individuals diagnosed with Borderline Personality disorders.
Why Fear Of Abandonment Happens
As children, people may experience real losses, rejections, or traumas that cause them to feel insecure and distrusting of the world. These losses and traumas can be dramatic, like the death of a loved one, neglect, or emotional and physical abuse. However, they can also occur at a much subtler level, in everyday interactions between parents and children. In order to feel secure, children have to feel safe, seen, and soothed when they’re upset.
However, it’s been said that even the best of parents are only fully attuned to their children around 30 percent of the time. Exploring their early attachment patterns can offer individuals’ insight into their fears around abandonment and rejection. Understanding how their parents related to them and whether they experienced a secure attachment versus an insecure one, can give people clues into how they view relationships in the present.
A person’s early attachment history acts as an internal working model for how he or she expects relationships to work. As a result, people may carry their childhood insecurities and expectations for how others will behave into their adult relationships. Children who experience an ambivalent attachment pattern may grow to have a preoccupied attachment pattern as adults, in which they continue to feel insecure in their relationships.
Signs and symptoms
Fear of abandonment is not a standalone mental health condition, such as depression, but it is a form of anxiety and even a phobia in some senses.
People with abandonment issues may experience problems in relationships because they fear that the other person will leave them. Signs and symptoms of abandonment issues in adults include:
- always wanting to please others (being a “people pleaser”)
- giving too much in relationships
- an inability to trust others
- pushing others away to avoid rejection
- feeling insecure in romantic partnerships and friendships
- codependency
- a need for continual reassurance that others love them and will stay with them
- the need to control others
- persisting with unhealthy relationships
- the inability to maintain relationships
- moving quickly from one relationship to another
- sabotaging relationships
- lack of emotional intimacy
- Are hypersensitive to criticism
- Struggle with being hard to please and nitpicky
- Engage in self-blame frequently
Individuals who experienced abandonment in childhood may find themselves drawn to people who will treat them poorly and eventually leave them. When this occurs, it reinforces their fears and distrust of others.
Effect on Relationships
The fear of abandonment is highly personalized. Some people are solely afraid of losing a romantic partner. Others fear abandonment in other relationships.
To better explain how individuals with a fear of abandonment may navigate a relationship, here is an example of how a typical relationship may start and evolve. This example is especially true for romantic relationships, but there are many similarities in close friendships as well.
Getting-to-Know-One-Another
At this point, you feel relatively safe. You are not yet emotionally invested in the other person. So you continue to live your life while enjoying time with your chosen person.
Honeymoon Phase
This phase occurs when you make the choice to commit. You are willing to overlook possible red or yellow flags because you just get along so well. You start spending a great deal of time with the other person; and you always enjoy yourself. You start to feel secure.
Real Relationship
The honeymoon phase cannot last forever. No matter how well two people get along, real life always intervenes. People get sick, have family problems, start working difficult hours, worry about money, and need time to get things done.
Although this is a very normal and positive step in a relationship, it can be terrifying for those with a fear of abandonment who may see it as a sign that the other person is pulling away. If you have this fear, you are probably battling with yourself and trying very hard not to express your worries for fear of appearing clingy.
The Slight
People are human. They have moods and things on their minds. Regardless of how much they care for someone else, they cannot and should not be expected to always have that person at the forefront of their minds.
Especially once the honeymoon period is over, it is inevitable that a seeming slight will occur. This often takes the form of an unanswered text message, an unreturned phone call, or a request for a few days of alone time.
The Reaction
For those with a fear of abandonment, this is a turning point. If you have this fear, you are probably completely convinced that the slight is a sign that your partner no longer loves you. What happens next is almost entirely determined by the fear of abandonment, its severity, and the sufferer’s preferred coping style.
Some people handle this by becoming clingy and demanding, insisting that their partner prove them love by jumping through hoops. Others run away, rejecting their partners before they are rejected. Still, others feel that the slight is their fault and attempt to transform themselves into the “perfect partner” in a quest to keep the other person from leaving.
In a healthy relationship, the partner may recognize the situation for what it is—a normal reaction that has little or nothing to do with the relationship. Or they may feel upset by it, but address it with either a calm discussion or a brief argument. Either way, a single perceived slight does not become a dominating influence on the partner’s feelings.
Partner’s Point of View
From your partner’s point of view, your sudden personality shift seems to come from out of left field. If your partner does not suffer from a fear of abandonment, they probably do not have the slightest idea as to why their previously confident, laid-back partner is suddenly acting clingy and demanding, smothering them with attention, or pulling away altogether.
Similar to phobias, it’s impossible to simply talk or reason someone out of a fear of abandonment. No matter how many times your partner tries to reassure you, it will simply not be enough. Eventually, your behavior patterns and inconsolable reactions could drive your partner away, leading to the very conclusion that you fear most.
Coping Strategies
If your fear is mild and well-controlled, you may be able to handle it simply by becoming educated about your tendencies and learning new behavior strategies. For most people, though, the fear of abandonment is rooted in deep-seated issues that are difficult to unravel alone.
Although treating the fear itself is critical, it is also essential to build a feeling of belonging. Rather than focusing all of your energy and devotion on a single partner, focus on building a community. No one person can solve all of our problems or meet all of our needs. But a solid group of several close friends can each play an important role in our lives.
Many people with a fear of abandonment state that they never felt like they had a “tribe” or a “pack” when they were growing up. For whatever reasons, they always felt “other” or disconnected from those around them. But the good news is that it’s never too late.
Whatever your current stage of life, it is important to surround yourself with other like-minded individuals. Make a list of your current hobbies, passions, and dreams. Then find others who share your interests.
While it is true that not everyone who shares an interest will become a close friend, hobbies and dreams are an excellent stepping stone toward building a solid support network. Working on your passions also helps build self-confidence and the belief that you are strong enough to cope with whatever life throws your way.
When to seek help
Without treatment, abandonment issues in both adults and children can make it more challenging for the person to form healthy and secure relationships with others and to live a fulfilling life.
Individuals should seek help if they believe that they or a child for whom they care is experiencing abandonment issues.
People who have a history of trauma or childhood loss may also wish to speak to a Family First Counseling Center mental health professional if they have not addressed these experiences before.
