Is An Open Relationship Right for You?

Unconventional relationships are becoming more and more common nowadays. Many people are coming to the realization that monogamy is not for them, and are instead turning to open relationships, or even polyamorous relationships, to scratch and itch that a monogamous relationship just can’t manage to. As open relationships are becoming more mainstream, many couples are becoming curious if this arrangement could be right for them.

Almost any time is an appropriate time to consider an open relationship, whether you are newly dating or have been together for decades! Even as it’s becoming more common, we (as a society) still lack a social script for how exactly to talk about these things. So let’s discuss what open relationships look like, how they operate, and how they can help you stay committed to your partner.

What Is an Open Relationship?

Open relationships fall under the larger category of consensually non-monogamous relationships. They are relationships in which one or both partners can pursue sex, and sometimes emotional attachments, with other people.

Open relationships differ from swinging, in which partners have sex with other people at parties and where the relationships are purely sexual. They also differ from polyamory, where partners can pursue more than one committed relationship at a time. Open relationships are often considered a sort of the middle ground between swinging and polyamory.

While swingers tend to keep their outside relationships to the realm of sex with other established couples, and polyamory is all about having multiple committed, romantic partners, people in open relationships can usually have sex with others they feel attracted to—with the caveat that these other relationships remain casual. In other words, you can have sex with whomever you want, but you are not pursuing intimate, committed relationships with other partners.

Is an Open Relationship Right for You?

Some people know from their teenage years that they are not interested in monogamy, despite the prevalent expectation that everyone will, one day, be in a monogamous relationship leading to marriage. Others dip into open relationships because of circumstances, like having a crush on someone new or because a partner presents the possibility.

A common scenario: a couple that has been together for a few years feels a lack of passion. One or both partners get a crush on someone else, or one begins an affair. To resolve the issue, they decide to open up their relationship.

This, sadly, is not often the best way to open up your relationship. Especially when infidelity is involved, it is better to solve the underlying issue in the relationship first rather than try to mask it by opening up the relationship. Often, this means breaking up or divorcing.

Sometimes, however, the approach does allow both people to go toward an open relationship with a positive outlook based on trust, love, and commitment.

If you answer “yes” to the following questions, there’s a good chance that an open relationship may be right for you:

  • Are you and your partner both genuinely interested in non-monogamy?
  • Do you and your partner have different sexual needs and/or orientations?
  • Are you considering an open relationship out of a place of trust (and not, for example, because of broken trust or infidelity)?
  • Are you able to openly communicate with your partner?
  • Do you have a relationship built on a solid foundation of honesty and trust?
  • Are you able to handle jealousy in a healthy manner?

Types

Married couples, committed couples, and casual couples alike can be in open relationships that involve consent to:

  • Casually date people outside their marriage or relationship
  • Pursue romantic relationships outside their marriage or relationship
  • Have a physical relationship outside of their marriage or relationship
E-book: How To Set Boundaries In Your Relationship, The Right Way

Approaching the Conversation With Your Partner

Before approaching the concept of an open relationship with your partner, you should evaluate why exactly you want an open relationship (see below for appropriate reasons to be open). If you feel comfortable with your reasoning, schedule or choose a time when you have a considerable amount of time to talk things over. It’s important that you have this conversation when you’re both in a neutral state of mind (i.e. not after a big fight). You should start by explaining to your partner that opening your relationship has been on your mind, but that you HAVE NOT acted on these ideas.

Explain your argument for being open, while reassuring them that it is not due to a shortcoming on their behalf. When approaching openness, it’s helpful to define what the term means to you, sexually open, sexually and emotionally open, etc. The most important part of this conversation is giving your partner time and space to process this proposition and to respond. It is also important that your partner feels comfortable saying no. You shouldn’t pose opening your relationship as an ultimatum! If your partner is not comfortable with the idea, you need to respect their decision and move forward, monogamously.

Honesty

Honesty is the single most important part of any open relationship. In order to settle into a relationship that you and your partner are comfortable with, you must be honest about your emotional and sexual needs. You also must be honest about the boundaries you need to set in order to feel safe and secure. Honest and open dialogue will help establish the baseline of trust necessary for any open relationship. Being this honest can be scary, but it is absolutely necessary in order for an open relationship to work. Learn to embrace your vulnerability, and to tune into and articulate your wants and needs. Even if the open aspect of your relationship doesn’t work out, prioritizing honesty in any and all relationships is crucial to the longevity and overall happiness of the relationship.

Do It for the Right Reasons

Open relationships are the perfect solution for people who feel that they want something more or something different from their monogamous relationship. Some people are not fully satisfied in monogamous relationships, and instead need the emotional or physical intimacy of more than one person to feel complete. Other people look for open relationships, because they want to supplement their current relationship with something different. Perhaps you are not fully satisfied in a straight or gay relationship for example. If this is the case, opening your relationship will offer different ways to meet your sexual and emotional needs.

These are both great reasons to look outside of a monogamous relationship, as long as both parties are excited about the prospect of sleeping with other people. Okay so now the bad reasons for openness. You should not start an open relationship to solve the problems of your current relationship, these problems will not go away, and will likely be magnified if you add more people to the mix. More specifically, open relationships are not the solution to infidelity! Open relationships require a huge amount of trust. If your relationship is suffering due to infidelity, there is probably a lack of trust that will be the downfall of your relationship if you transition to openness.

Set Sexual Boundaries

If you and your partner decide that an open relationship is right for you, make sure to create sexual boundaries from the outset. It’s important that this conversation explicitly outlines what exactly is allowed. Are you comfortable with penetrative sex? Oral sex? Kissing? Experimentation with things you haven’t tried out together? Talking through these boundaries will also help you to hone in on what you want from this sexual exploration.

As the open relationship continues, it’s necessary to check-in to make sure that you and your partner are both comfortable with the agreed upon boundaries. Also, this should go without saying… but make sure you STAY WITHIN the provided boundaries. As we discussed, open relationships require a HUGE amount of trust. A key part of maintaining that trust is to act according to the boundaries you created as a couple.

Set Emotional Boundaries

For many people it can be very hard to completely separate physical intimacy from emotional intimacy. When you have your discussion about sexual boundaries, make sure you discuss what emotional boundaries you need to set as well. Are you comfortable with your partner sleeping with the same person for an extended period of time? Are you comfortable with your partner going on dates with other people?

Are you comfortable with your partner sleeping with people in your social circle? All open relationships look different and you and your partner may have different ideas about what is and is not acceptable behavior. Be honest about your emotional needs from the start, and create boundaries that respect those needs.

Create Parameters

In addition to setting sexual and emotional boundaries, it’s important to create explicit rules for the arrangement. How many partners can you have outside of your primary relationship? Does your partner have veto power over your partners? How much time will you allocate to your open relationship activities (for example, are Friday nights reserved for you as a couple?)? Should you actively or passively explore new relationships? Is this an indefinite change to your relationship? Or is it a trial run?

If you discuss the nitty gritty stuff at the beginning of the relationship, you ensure that you and your partner are on the same page, which is really important! Even though you are opening your relationship up, this person is still your main person, and you want to make sure that they’re respected and excited about this new aspect of your relationship. These parameters can of course change over time, but starting off with some ground rules is always a good idea.

Benefits

When done with respect and the consent of all involved, open relationships have plenty of benefits. The first obvious one that many people think of is sexual satisfaction. Humans enjoy novelty when it comes to sexuality, and we all crave it at one point or another. A new partner is a great way to satisfy that craving for new sexual experiences.

It’s much easier to fulfill a partner’s needs if they tell you what they want, rather than making you guess. Open relationships allow partners to put all their cards on the table.

Open relationships also allow non-monogamous people to express their needs and identity without fear. They don’t need to hide their crushes or extra-marital relationships, at least to their partner, and this leads to a lot less emotional distress.

Potential Pitfalls

Aside from those already mentioned, open relationships have potential problems all their own. Jealousy is the first. For people raised in an environment where monogamy is expected, jealousy can arise quickly as they learn to challenge that expectation while exploring non-monogamy. Remember, though, that jealousy is rooted in feelings of not being enough, which is itself based on the idea that your romantic partner should be everything to you and you to them.

Negative feelings toward your partner’s other partners can also stem from increased vulnerability. As you learn to negotiate your relationship more explicitly, you will need to explore and express feelings you may not have examined before. This can make people feel anxious, angry, or make them retreat emotionally.

If you are having these kinds of problems but still want to explore an open relationship with your partner, couples therapy with someone who understands non-monogamy can help you overcome these feelings.

Having multiple sexual partners also increases the risk of sexually transmitted infections (STIs), so it’s important for all involved to engage in safer sex activities with proper protection and get tested regularly.

Family First Counseling Center is here to help

Regardless of whether you’re in a polyamory relationship, monogamous relationship, or anything in between, Family First Counseling Center strives to help women, men and their partners of all lifestyles live happier, more fulfilling lives.